Are you self-reflecting or self-Gaslighting?
I recently came across a self-empowering meme which rattled off a series of statements to the effect of:
You’re not being too sensitive (add explanation about why behaviour is justified) … You’re not being too needy (add explanation about why behaviour is justified) … You’re not overreacting (add explanation about why behaviour is justified) …
The point of the meme was to help people understand the concept of self-gaslighting or holding oneself to blame for a situation that is not one’s fault; however, the problem with the blanket absolution provided by this meme is that something we are being to sensitive, needy or overreacting. So, the trick is how do we identify gas-lighting versus healthy self-reflection?
If we assume that we are always in the right, always valid, always justified, it can eliminate one aspect of mental toughness that can provide a needed boon to performance - learning orientation. Instead, let’s learn to differentiate the two concepts in order to reap the performance benefits we need from reflective practice.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a harmful behavior that involves manipulating and deceiving oneself into believing something that often leading to self-doubt, confusion, and low self-esteem. Here are five signs that you might be gaslighting yourself:
Denial of Feelings: Ignoring or suppressing your emotions, pretending they don't exist, or convincing yourself that you shouldn't feel a certain way.
Self-Blame: Taking responsibility for situations or outcomes that are not entirely your fault, excessively criticizing yourself, and assuming you are always to blame.
Invalidating Your Experiences: Believing that your thoughts and experiences are insignificant, unworthy, or irrational can be problematic.
Comparing Yourself Constantly: Continuously measuring your worth against others, leading to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.
Ignoring Boundaries: Disregarding your own boundaries and tolerating behaviors or situations that make you uncomfortable or compromise your values.
Self-Reflection
On the other hand, self-reflection is a constructive process that promotes personal growth and mental toughness. Here are five indicators that you are engaging in healthy self-reflection:
Embracing Vulnerability: Acknowledging your emotions, fears, and vulnerabilities, and using them as opportunities for growth.
Seeking Feedback: Actively seeking feedback from others, valuing different perspectives, and using criticism as a catalyst for improvement.
Adapting and Learning: Willingness to adapt to new situations, learn from experiences (both successes and failures), and adjust your behavior accordingly.
Setting Goals and Intentions: Setting clear, realistic goals and intentions, and regularly assessing your progress toward them.
Practicing Mindfulness: Being present in the moment, reflecting on your thoughts and actions, and understanding their impact on your well-being and performance.
Given the ease with which reflection can become rumination and ultimately even self-gaslighting, one might wonder as to why we should even bother to engage in reflective practice. Well, turns out self-reflection has a myriad of positive impacts on performance including:
Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills: A study published in the "Journal of Applied Psychology" (Locke, 1986) found that individuals who engaged in self-reflection demonstrated improved problem-solving abilities.
Increased Self-Awareness: Research conducted by Tasha Eurich in her book "Insight" showed that heightened self-awareness, a product of self-reflection, is correlated with improved decision-making and leadership skills.
Better Emotional Regulation: The "Emotion" journal published a study in 2015 by Vago and Silbersweig, demonstrating that self-reflection practices, such as mindfulness, lead to better emotional regulation and reduced stress.
Goal Attainment: A study in the "American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine" (2017) by Ciechanowski et al. found that individuals who engaged in self-reflection were more likely to achieve their health and wellness goals.
Increased Resilience: A report in the "Harvard Business Review" (2002) by Diane Coutu highlighted that self-reflective individuals are better equipped to bounce back from setbacks and develop greater resilience.
What differentiates high performers in this space may be their learning orientation. That is, the degree to which they see all outcomes as having positive elements. These individuals will see opportunity where other’s see threat and are not deterred by setbacks. The process of self-reflection is the first step towards learning orientation; however, pairing this with an element of cultivated optimism will see you on your way to achieving greater success and mental toughness in both your personal and professional life.
If you want to learn how to leverage learned optimism and other principles of mental toughness in your work:
References:
Ciechanowski, P., Russo, J., Katon, W. J., Von Korff, M., Ludman, E., Lin, E. H., ... & Young, B. (2004). The association of patient relationship style and outcomes in collaborative care treatment for depression in patients with diabetes. Medical care, 42(12), 1230-1239.
Locke, E. A. (1986). Generalizing from laboratory to field settings. Theoretical and methodological issues. Research in organizational behavior, 8, 1-37.
Vago, D. R., & Silbersweig, D. A. (2012). Self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-transcendence (S-ART): a framework for understanding the neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness. Frontiers in human neuroscience, 6, 296.
Eurich, T. (2018). Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think. Currency.
Coutu, D. L. (2002). How resilience works. Harvard Business Review, 80(5), 46-50.
