Redefining The Fears That Hold Us Back
In our increasingly convenience-centric world, it has become a perfectly normal function to want to avoid unpleasant experiences. After all, who among us hasn’t sought refuge from life’s discomforts at some point? For the most part decisions like staying in a comfortable hotel, rather than choosing to sleep on a dirt floor have relatively little impact on our life; however, what if I told you that sometimes, avoiding discomfort could do more harm than good? What happens when we try to apply the same principles of control that we use in the external world (eg cold … build fire, wet … use umbrella) to the internal landscape of thoughts and feelings? If we’re constantly trying to maximise comfort and convenience that means maximising experiences, thoughts and feelings that make us feel good, and trying to minimise those that elicit discomfort. The trouble is …
“The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.” Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap
FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real
For many people this avoidance comes packaged with believable excuses. Our minds can play tricks on us, convincing us to avoid experiences that might seem threatening by offering seemingly powerful reasons to skirt around these issues.
If I am reluctant to have a difficult conversation with a co-worker, my mind might repackage the fear I feel as ‘caring’ ie “I wouldn’t want to hurt Mary’s feelings …” Others might be cloaked in procrastination ie “this isn’t the right time to sit down and discuss it …” Regardless of what it is, you can rely on our mind to come up with wonderful reasons to get us out of it.
Fear is a powerful emotion; however, like many emotions, it may not always rooted in reality. It can be a manifestation of what psychologists call "false evidence appearing real.”
You’re not scared of the dark
You’re scared of what’s in it
You’re not afraid of heights
You’re afraid of falling
You’re not afraid to try again
You’re afraid of getting hurt again
The Role of Values
So how do we begin to confront our fears, and more importantly when is it worthwhile leaning into discomfort? The answer lies in our values. Values serve as our compass, guiding us toward a life that is meaningful and fulfilling. They represent the things we hold dear, the ideals we want to live by, and the legacy we hope to leave behind.
Values can be the starting point for overcoming fear because they provide us with a powerful reason to do so. When we connect our actions and choices to our values, we gain a deeper sense of purpose. We can understand whether avoiding Situation X is bringing us closer to being the person we want, or taking us further from it. For example:
Imagine someone values "adventure" as one of their core principles. They dream of exploring the world, trying new things, and pushing their boundaries. However, they have a fear of flying. This fear prevents them from embarking on the adventures they yearn for. If they connect deeply with their value of adventure, it becomes clear that avoiding flying is holding them back from living in alignment with their deepest desires. From there, they can take action in a direction that supports their chosen life. Their next wise step might be seeking counselling to overcome their fears, seeking a prescription for an anxiolytic, or any other number of actions. They’re slowly moving towards a life of purpose, rather than remaining detached from it due to their fears.
Values Visioning Exercise
If you’re wondering how you can harness the power of your own values, the first step comes from knowing what they are. Most people are unable to name more than one or two of their core values, so let’s try this visioning exercise to help you build a more fulsome picture of what’s important to you:
Close your eyes and imagine your retirement party.
Picture the scene, the people gathered around, the laughter, and the heartfelt conversations.
Notice, people are about to give speeches about you. The role you played in their lives, how you made them feel and what they admire most about you.
Listen to what people are saying about you. Are they highlighting?
As you listen to these words, reflect on the person you want to become and the life you want to lead. What values emerge from these conversations? Maybe it's "courage," "resilience," "authenticity," or "compassion."
Whatever resonates for you are your values. Remember, they are freely chosen. There is no ‘should’ or ‘must’ in values. Think of them like your favourite flavour of ice cream - you don’t need to rationalise to anyone why you like it. You just do.
Now, think about the fears and discomforts that have been holding you back. How do these fears align with your values, or do they contradict them? Are you willing to let these fears prevent you from becoming the person you aspire to be?
By connecting your values to your actions and choices, you can start to dismantle the barriers created by avoidance, remembering that discomfort is often a natural part of growth.
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